Tag Archives: but How You Say It

Eagerness Verses Humility

Albert Mehrabian’s research appears to be the origin for the expression, “it’s not what you say, but how you say it.” Back in the 1970’s, Mehrabian suggested that only 7% of the information in speech is contained in the words. The remainder of any conversation is based upon body language, hand motions, and visual signals. Therefore, before you open your mouth to talk, make sure that eagerness doesn’t drown out a spirit of humility.

 Now Joseph had a dream and he told it to his brothers, and they hated him still more. And he said to them, Listen now and hear, I pray you, this dream that I have dreamed: We [brothers] were binding sheaves in the field, and behold, my sheaf arose and stood upright, and behold, your sheaves stood round about my sheaf and bowed down! – Genesis 37:5-7

Based upon my own personal experiences in life, there have been former coaches, counselors, and teachers that have made me feel worse after a one-on-one discussion. Some of this may be due to preconceived notions or stereotypes, but whenever you are being talked down to, it’s never a good feeling. Subsequently, when Joseph shares a dream with his older brothers, his eagerness to talk leaves out any sense of humility on his part.

His brothers said to him, Shall you indeed reign over us? Or are you going to have us as your subjects and dominate us? And they hated him all the more for his dreams and for what he said, Genesis 37:8.

As the youngest child in my family, I know how it feels to be picked on and teased. Yet, it’s never right to do something or say something out of spite. Perhaps, God allowed this behavior initially so that when Joseph was sold into slavery and accused of a crime he didn’t commit, these trails forced him to become humble. While most young men would have blamed God for the unjust events in their life, Joseph kept pressing on until this one dream ultimately became a reality years later.

by Jay Mankus

It’s Not What You Say, but How You Say It

It doesn’t take much for a coach, parent or teacher to get under a teenager’s skin.  Sometimes the tone chosen is demeaning.  Others come across as pompous or smug, alienating the individual they are talking to.  Meanwhile, impatient adults have a tendency to take out their frustrations upon young people, creating an even greater generational gap.  This disconnect proves that it’s not always what you say, but how you say it.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear, Ephesians 4:29.

When you are reading a book, sometimes the context of previous events isn’t a hundred percent clear.  Thus, you are forced to go back to make sure you haven’t missed anything important.  In the passage above, you have to understand who Saul was before he changed his name to Paul.  This former Pharisee was a perfectionist, critical by nature, eager to point out flaws.  Therefore, the words Paul choses serves as a reminder to himself and his leaders within the church at Ephesus to focus on the positive, not the negative.

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control, 2 Timothy 1:7.

While writing a letter to a teenager, Paul reveals an important truth about the Holy Spirit.  Although the world tends to emphasize imperfections, staying optimistic isn’t impossible.  Rather, one of the fruits of God’s spirit is self-control, the discipline to control your own tongue.  The language you choose to express daily is a conscious decision.  Unfortunately, many don’t realize the power of words.  Every coarse joke, put down and sarcastic remark influences others in a negative manner.  Therefore, make sure the next time you open your mouth, you think before speaking for it’s not what you say, but how you say it.

by Jay Mankus